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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Marketing Management Theory Debunked

Take a look at what is going on in the world around you today. If you have not already thought about it, then one day when you have little else to do (as if such a day will ever come) for good reason you shall probably ask yourself the following hypothetical rhetorical question, or something similar to it.

Does anyone really know what they are doing and why they are doing it?

A very good question indeed! 
(In the event you noticed: we confess we plagiarized this useless line from politicians)

Usually a question like this is inspired by the many wishy-washy but decisive marketing decision makers who come up with some of the most incomprehensible and useless of ideas and concepts which, when extremely awkwardly implemented because of resistance from the most logical and most sensible, undoubtedly waste enormous amounts of time in organizations. This is time that the organization’s little guys can least afford to waste.

In fact, this one question is the sole purpose why we have dedicated this entire chapter of study specifically toward the debunking of Marketing Management Theory (to make it simple) and dedicated our discussions to only the most advanced of marketing theory concepts. 

Corporate entities and governments pay large remunerations to expert consultants to make these same conclusions. We provide this same valuable information free of charge.

Hence we present the Straetz Frumder-Duempster’s “Nobody and Everybody Theory.”

Nobody and Everybody Theory

If “Nobody’s doing it anymore” but at the same time “Everybody’s doing it” then what on earth is nobody not doing at any given time and everybody doing at no given time?
Dr. Straetz Frumder-Duempster

We can categorically confirm that we have wasted almost uncountable hours puzzling over the “Nobody and Everybody” dichotomy; however our farmer’s marketing research has revealed a market niche which the other self-appointed marketing management theory experts have somehow managed to overlook. If our not so obvious discovery is not yet very obvious at this point, then go back and read Frumder-Duempster’s rhetorical question again. The answer also appears on the board in the illustration.

We first thought about using a used, used car salesman to write some of this stuff because you marketing management types may already be familiar with some of the various forms of double-talk speak techniques that used, used car salesmen are often known for using, however we basically discovered that we could not afford to purchase the quality used heap the used salesman was almost effectively attempting to unload on us. To cut it short: we did not use the used, used car salesman to write this stuff. We concluded that we too would be used if we did.

As you can read for yourself, (we are not going to spoon-feed this stuff) the two underlined statements in Frumder-Duempster’s hypothetical rhetorical question are perhaps the two most important lame-brain excuses known to western civilization, or any civilization, or civilizations that are no longer civilized or, for that matter, no longer civil.

Anyway, the world’s best possible non-excuse, excuse to give for not doing something that should be done is to declare that, “Nobody’s doing it anymore.”

Conversely, the world’s other best possible non-excuse, excuse to give for doing something that should not be done is to declare, “Everybody’s doing it.”

We have therefore, concluded that every marketing department has built its existence upon these two precepts. If however, you do not think so, then we ask you to think about it again because these two precepts are the basis for the establishment of our second rule of our debunked Marketing Management Theory.

Well, having put our foot in it now (the downside to farmer’s marketing research, especially when it is fresh from the farmer’s barn) we just had to conclude, by that thoughtful assumption borrowed from the economic think theory term, “All things remaining equal” that there must be an unknown hidden and impossible to find common ground point between two extremes diametrically opposed to each other which also have nothing in common with each other. This means that nothing remains equal in the real world.

Regardless of the apparent paradox in the foregoing over-preamble, analysis derived from the amazing and consistent X and Y factor non-correlations of two partially limited data range extrapolations, cross-referenced along the Z axis in a hypothetical three-dimensional grid, Professor Piep N. Tockmoer has derived the following theory, which we believe the Professor has quite correctly and accurately titled as the “Everybody and Nobody Theory” 

This second theory expands on the Frumder-Duempster theory. If at this point you are having difficulty following the logic of our argument, then we can only assume that you have failed to grasp the first rule of our debunked Marketing Management Theory. Unfortunately today we are not marketing maps to get from here to there or wherever, but if you have lost your way, we suggest you flip down to Appendix X (at the end of this chapter) which details the first rule.

Common sense dictates that the rules should come first, but Marketing and Sales simply do not function this way. That would first require common sense, whatever that may be. Have you ever known a salesman to give you a final, bottom-line final price in less than 30 seconds? Of course not! Don’t take our word for it though. Go out and try to buy a used car. We can even put you in contact with the used, used car salesman we were thinking about using to write this stuff.

Governments also do not function in this manner because common sense and government are never known to co-exist in the same place at the same time. Have you ever tried to obtain a simple one-word yes or no answer from a politician? (Hopefully you do not really need us to give you the answer to this question, but if you do, then you are in far more trouble than we thought.) Case closed.

The Everybody and Nobody Theory

“If you can find something specific that a nobody somewhere is doing when nobody else is doing it anymore, and at the same time, find something specific that an everybody is not doing because everybody else is busy doing it, then you are guaranteed to have discovered a market niche that both the nobodies and the everybodies have not yet found out because simultaneously, some nobody is doing it and some everybody is not doing it.”

Professor Piep N. Tockmoer

In order for you to clearly understand the derivations of our discourse, we must first define our general interpretation of theories. Theories are merely remotely possible but most likely improbable far-fetched explanations which self-appointed experts offer up to lesser beings as the answers to the most ridiculous of questions for which no normal person can be expected to want explained with other than an all-encompassing simple pat answer, and that’s only if someone has been foolish enough to have asked the ridiculous question in the first place. The only known contradiction to our definition however, is when a mother or father tells their child to go ask its respective father or mother.

If you believe that we have inferred from our explanations that we are suggesting theories rank in the same class as the cubic linear least squares trends ratios for berm calculations relative to pile sizes, and/or other latent forms of bunk, piffle, fiddlesticks and twaddle, then you have understood this concept thus far. What follows of course is our partially unbiased and not totally out to lunch explanations between marketing management theory and marketing management bunk.

Marketing Management Theory:
When the self-appointed (and government) marketing management experts are able to successfully and convincingly connive you into accepting and believing that they know what they are talking about when in fact they do not, then you have bunk which has become theory and, therefore has erroneously been accepted as fact when in fact it is not fact nor supported by the facts….and that’s a fact.

Marketing Management Bunk:
Conversely, when the self-appointed (and government) marketing management experts fail to succeed in conniving you into believing that they know what they are talking about because you already know in advance they don’t know what they are talking about, then you have bunk that remains bunk because it always was bunk and nothing but bunk.

Do not blindly accept our word for it. Let’s first look at history. Now take a look at Galileo. Poor old Galileo. This famous little guy challenged that status quo, i.e. conventional wisdom of his day and he was ridiculed by the appointed and self-appointed experts of his day. When Galileo dared to suggest that the sun was the center of the solar system he was probably told that his radical ideas were not very illuminating. Nonetheless Galileo was right! Well you scoffers may probably argue that people in the Dark Ages were not very bright and you are probably right. After all, it was the Dark Ages and before Edison’s time. They were in the dark because it really was dark but what excuse applies today?

Well then, shall we take a look at Christopher Columbus? When this other now famous little guy suggested the world was round instead of flat, he was ridiculed by the establishment and told that his ideas were not on the level.  Of course they weren’t! He was thinking globally and was going in circles trying to explain them. We suspect that Columbus was probably advised by the marketing management experts of his day to go and book a long cruise across a short sea to the nearest corner of the globe and fall off. Well he did go on a rather lengthy cruise, but Columbus did not fall off. History proved that he was right too!

The only trivial historical detail we do not know today is whether or not the sales and marketing gurus of that age were able to connive Christopher Columbus into buying a round-trip ticket, cancellation insurance inflated with inexplicable surcharges detailed in paragraphs of unreadable fine print written in lawyer legalese plus taxes…just in the event he may have been correct. 

Common sense should also warn us that self-appointed marketing managements experts are no more expert than we are because if marketing managements experts were truly management experts (and we are not convinced that there is any such thing) then it would not become necessary to call in the little guys to clean up the messes the marketing management experts create by providing less than expert advice to the clueless wishy-washy decision makers that do not understand what common sense is. Therefore we present our own derived (or contrived if you prefer) corollary:

If the clueless knew less then they would do less to mess less.
(translation: stay out of the way of those who are doing the real work)

Fortunately the news is not all bad for self-appointed marketing management experts. We believe that many successful marketing experts work in fertilizer sales. Better still, our farmer’s marketing research indicates to us that fertilizer sales are doing well this season. Governments and bureaucracy are also getting larger. (Cause and effect working as it should.) Perhaps one reason for this success is due to a possible inherent close affinity to the end product lines. A more plausible explanation may be that the self-appointed marketing management experts package what they preach, or preach about what they have packaged. At this same time we may have also just defined, in twenty five words or less, what government is and also what it does.

In the final analysis and having written this rather wordy treatise detailing our studious study of debunking marketing management theory, we can only conclude that it is either impossible to debunk marketing management theory or it is extremely simple. We discovered what we always suspected but what no one would ever dare to admit or to confirm to us.

After all the bunk is extracted, hence debunked, nothing is left.

Chico Marx had it figured out when he stated, “There ain't no sanity clause.”


            Figure A:                                                               Figure B:

Marketing Management Theory
Marketing Management Bunk


These two illustrations from our farmer’s marketing research barn should enable you to visualize some of the finer nuances between theory and bunk.

Marketing Management Theory: bunk that can be shovelled           

Marketing Management Bunk: merely straight bull



Beedle-tweep (noun)

i.)                  a new buzz-word we have specifically created to replace baffle-gab,
ii.)                 a marketing term to give a new name to an old and familiar product,
iii.)               the end product of cattle that comes from the other end.
iv.)               All of the above, but this is not multiple-choice. This wasn’t even a question.


Appendix X

The Official Rules of Debunked Marketing Management

Rule 1:
If you cannot dazzle the decisive wishy-washy decision makers with brilliance, then be certain you baffle and confound them with beedle-tweep.

Rule 2:
If Rule 1 fails on both counts, then use either of the world’s two most important lame-brain non-excuse, excuses (as your particular situation warrants) to pseudo-explain why your probably totally ridiculous scheme should fly father than a dead kite when in reality it shall not be able to get airborne for the same reason as the dead kite.


Appendix Y 

1.)    Why?

1a.)   If we knew why we wouldn’t be asking why. 

2.)    Why not? 

2a.)  We don't know that either.     


Appendix Z

The World’s Two Most Important Lame-brain Non-excuse Excuses

We have intentionally labeled this section Appendix Z because it is at the end.

What follows are the two most important lame-brain non-excuse, excuses that the world has ever known and used.

Without these two excuses, both Dr. Straetz Frumder-Duempster and Professor Piep N. Tockmoer would not have been able to develop their now not-quite-famous and not-so-well-known theories.

These two should only be used 1.) when it is convenient and expedient or, 2.) as an ultimate last resort dodge, white-wash, gloss-over, cover-up, finger point, blame deflection, etc. when all else fails to explain the unexplainable to the inexplicable (management and government) and win the day. (Good luck.)

1.      Nobody is doing it any more.
2.      Everybody is doing it.


Inspired and written in 1999 with thanks from:

a.)  some of real life's real experiences in the real business world. Good-bye textbooks.

b.) the Y2K disaster hoopla - the world's biggest and most successful marketing scam.

c.) dealing with idiotic government bureaucracy...and as little as possible.

The Oddblock Station Agent

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