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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Elevator Computer Systems Inc.

When they were up, they were up.
And when they were down, they were down.
But half-way in the muddle…that’s right…
They were neither up nor down.

The elevator is a wonderful invention. The humble, taken-for-granted every day ordinary elevator has successfully eliminated the need to walk up and down stairs in tall buildings, not so tall buildings, short buildings, and virtually any structure that has an elevator. As with the history of most modern inventions, however, we are certain that developments and innovations in the elevator industry had both its high points and low points. (Sorry about that. We just could not resist.)
What amazes us in these modern times of exponential proliferation of useless technologies taken to even more ridiculous extremes is that no one has developed an elevator that travels sideways. We just cannot believe that it has not been done! Are we now compelled to question what we have always believed to be the reliable certainty of stupidity?

Relax, we still have governments to put our tax dollars to work.

The elevator of course was a mechanical invention but our Silicon Valley chip wizards must have been profoundly influenced by the elevator’s impact upon the modern world. Not to be outdone, however, the chip whizzes have created computer systems which see more ups and downs than the average humble busy elevator. Simply amazing…but not that simple.

The marvel of this techno-whiz-chip innovation is that nothing visible actually moves. Yes, that’s right! Ups and downs without actual movements up and down. The absence of moving parts has eliminated the retarding forces created by friction and as a result, wear and tear and the replacement of parts are all but obsolete. The theory behind this concept is that if they can remove the cumulative virtual time spent and wasted in the old world technologies of upward and downward travel, then with new world semi-conductor technologies they can cram more ups and downs into the same number of hours in the day.

This stroke of genius effectively removed the severe inflationary pressures and forces that would have made it necessary to develop a means to add more hours in the day. The world has been saved and spared from the introduction of metric time and 100 hour days.

Unfortunately every silver lining also has its cloud. In today’s world self-appointed experts call these side-effects. The real meaning that the average person understands is this: many things just do not work right and a lot of other things don’t work at all. We usually call the former, big business and the latter, government. No one is to blame but someone has to pay and neither is responsible.

Let’s listen in on a call to Elevator Computer Systems Inc. and you’ll better understand what we talking about.

Customer:       Our computer system is down.

Receptionist:   May we suggest you try silicon chips?

Customer:        I said our computer system is down. 

Receptionist:   Again, may we suggest you try using silicon chips?

Customer:        Didn’t you hear what I just said? My computer system is not up.

Receptionist:   Oh...right…I thought you meant feathers

Customer:        Feathers?

Receptionist:   You know…down…feathers.

Customer:        No, no, no! Down! Like in not up.

Receptionist:   So your computer system is not up?

Customer:        Right!!

Receptionist:  Oh. You should have brought that up first. I’m sorry to hear you are having 
                       a down day.

Customer:       That’s why I’m calling.

Receptionist:   And you want us to make it up?

Customer:       Right!!

Receptionist:  Well you’ve certainly called the right place. 
                       We’re Elevator Computer Systems and we specialize in the ups and 
                       downs of computer systems. Just remember, “If you’re up, we’re down,
                       but if you’re down we’re up.” I’ll put you through. 

Customer:       Yeah. Sure I just…

Service Rep:   Up Department

Customer:       Our computer system is down.

Service Rep:   Did you say your computer system is down?

Customer:       Yes. Down, but not feathers. Down like in not up.

Service Rep:   Sorry sir, this is the Up Department. We don’t do Downs here. 
                        I’ll transfer you upstairs to the Down Department.

Customer:       Your Down Department is upstairs?

Service Rep:   Yes sir.

Customer:       Then transfer me up to your Down Department.

Service Rep:   Coming right up.

2nd Service Rep:  Down Department. May I help you?

Customer:            Our computer system is down.

2nd Service Rep:  Sorry sir, we’re down too…but we should be up shortly.

Thanks to the wonders of many various imperfect technologies we can see where this call is going…probably sideways.

Have a nice day. This is the line that usually comes right about now.

The Oddblock Station Agent

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